"I Feel Stupid Trying New Sex Positions"
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I've been in a relationship for two years, and I feel my sex life is great. But I can tell he's becoming slightly bored with the same old, same old. He tries to get me to try new things such as new positions and talking dirty. I'm not the most outgoing person, and I don't feel comfortable or confident when I attempt to talk dirty to him during sex. And to be honest, none of the few new positions we have tried work for me, and I just feel stupid doing them. How do I spice things up for him and try new things without feeling so uncomfortable?
Everyone has different levels of comfort. It sounds like you tend to be more reserved, but you're eager to take things up a notch. Good for you. It's good to know your limits, and it's fun to test them too.In terms of dirty talk, might I suggest sexting? I like to think that sexting is the training wheels of dirty talk. Consider it practice: You get to type outrageous things without actually saying them out loud. You can edit what you type. You don't have to see the other person's WTF look if it doesn't click. And you can type things you would never feel comfortable saying in person. After a little playful sexting, you might even, as writers like to say, find your voice.
You say the few new positions you've tried didn't work. Well, think of all these delicious varieties of sex like they're on display at a huge ice cream parlor: Just because you've tried a few doesn't mean you've tasted them all. And just because you like one flavor doesn't mean it's going to satisfy you for the rest of your life either. Cosmopolitan.com is full of sex tips and scientifically diagrammed positions. Porn sites are packed with fantasy scenarios that might turn you on if you check them out. Think of porn sites and sex guides as one huge ice cream shop menu. Are you sure there's nothing on there that looks appetizing? Click through a few more pages. There must be something that makes you think, Well, I suppose I'd like to sample that.
Also remember that it's fine if you genuinely prefer a more vanilla sex life. Ben & Jerry's may have invented that fudge "Core" ice cream of the future, but that doesn't mean vanilla isn't still delicious. You've got to be you. Pleasure is pleasure. And, yes, sex can become a kind of escalating warfare for people who believe there's always something hotter, raunchier, wilder, or kinkier out there. Before you know it, you're tied up in a swinger's club dungeon on a True Blood theme night, wearing a bondage suit being feather-tickled by a furry and wondering, How'd I get here? Remember that you don't always have to chase what turns on your boyfriend. Everyone has limits. It's your job to express them. And it's your boyfriend's job to respect them.
I've just started seeing this guy, and we have both recently gotten out of relationships. My friends tell me I have a problem with falling for guys too fast. I see only the good in them and always end up getting played. This guy is so sweet. He actually takes me out and loves to listen to me. We have so much in common, and I can see me falling for him. Any hints and tips on whether to trust a new guy? I've sucked at seeing the signs in past experiences.
If I had to choose, I'd always rather be the one who falls too easily and gets hurt instead of the one who never risks anything. It's admirable to be so openhearted. And it's so easy to get hurt, get hard, and close yourself off.
Imagine, for a second, if Taylor Swift were unable to fall in love repeatedly and wholeheartedly: If she couldn't suffer horrific heartbreak between each album, imagine all the songs we would have lost. I shudder to think.
But you are not Taylor Swift. Like the rest of us, your broken-heartedness probably doesn't lead to great tunes that sell millions of downloads. Like the rest of us, you fall fast, and it just plain sucks. So, while it's admirable that you're openhearted, it's healthy that you're trying not to make the same mistakes again.
Trust is always a risk. And when you're assessing risks, you need to make sure you're not ignoring facts just because they don't fit your romantic ideal. Instead of just appreciating a person's best qualities, you have to watch for warning signs. Think of what you missed in your previous relationship. I'm sure there were signs. There's nothing wrong with creating a little checklist: Does he have a temper like violent ex-boyfriend A? Does he disappear for days at a time like gambling addict boyfriend B? Does he never introduce you to his friends like cheating son-of-a-bitch C? Does he eat an unusual number of brownies like stoner boyfriend D?
If you're naturally trusting — or even gullible — an extra set of eyes can help: Set up a group date or throw a party, and afterward, ask your friends what they really think of him. Don't privilege their opinions over your own, obviously, but make sure you're not deciding whether or not to trust this guy in isolation. Hang out with his friends too, and see how he acts around them. Don't feel embarrassed to ask questions about him either — you don't want to interrogate his pals, but it's fine to be a little nosy (and even ask about his dating history). If he's great, it shouldn't be a problem. In general, make sure you don't always hang out alone. A partner can fake a lot when it's just the two of you. You're likely to see more sides of him — or catch him in a lie — in a group.
Whether you're hanging out in a group or one-on-one, the goal shouldn't necessarily be to sniff out some sordid secret or expose a nefarious deception. Even the most terrible matches aren't usually sociopathic liars. More likely, they're just on their best behavior and downplaying the parts of themselves that might scare you off. After all, in the beginning of any relationship, everyone holds something back. We all suppress unflattering stories when we're trying to impress someone we want to kiss. Nobody's under any obligation to come clean about everything.
So if you want to get to know a guy better, the real answer is the simplest: Ask him questions. If you're curious about his past relationships, ask him. What's his family like? Ask him. If you pick up a weird vibe from a chance encounter with a friend, say, "What was that about?"If you're wondering about whether he's hooked up with a friend, try asking: "Have you slept with each other?"
Obviously, if you ask about whether he's slept with every woman he knows, you'll come off like a jealous stalker, but it's perfectly fine to ask questions that might otherwise linger. Asking a direct question might feel uncomfortable, but it's more fair than snooping, lurking, stalking, or gossiping behind his back. And it's way better than stealing his password and raiding his email account.
There are two ways to get over your doubts. The first is ignoring your doubts — and look where that got you. The second is being brave enough to be direct. Give it a try.
My boyfriend has low testosterone and refuses to use gels or take pills to even it out a bit. He's a great guy, very nurturing, and I love him, but he's never up for sex. It always seems like a chore for him, and it makes me feel guilty when I want to do it and he doesn't. I try to mix it up with lingerie, back rubs, candles, the works, but he never seems into any of it. I know the low T makes his sex drive low, but how can I work around that? I want to share those intimate moments with him that arise while having sex but don't know how to get him excited. He says I turn him on like no other woman, but I don't see results in the bedroom. Help!
If your boyfriend has extremely low testosterone, you're absolutely right to suggest medical treatment. There's not a lot you can do to work around the biology of a flagging sex drive — particularly since it sounds like you're already being aggressive. But I think you should consider three things.
First, no matter how desirable you become, or how hard you try, it's not your fault if he has a medical condition that depresses his sex drive. It's great you're attempting to make this work, but you're only ever half-responsible for whether the sex is good or bad. It sounds like you are being proactive, and that's good. But there will only ever be so much you can do. (And maybe his doctor could suggest alternative treatments.)
Second, remember that different things turn on different people. Lingerie and candles do it for some guys, but they leave other guys completely cold. He's lucky you're trying these things, but they might not be what he truly desires — and he might have trouble fessing up to what really turns him on, particularly if it's kinky. I don't know how long you've been together, but sex, in any relationship, can plateau unless there's great communication. None of us are mind readers; you can only get so far on instincts alone. So ask him what he likes, what he fantasizes about, what's turned him on in the past, and what he hasn't told you about before. Maybe you'll find something else that does turn him on. And maybe not.
Finally, don't forget you have your own needs. Your boyfriend is operating at a hormonal disadvantage, but that doesn't mean you should never feel satisfied either. Hopefully, your boyfriend wants to make you happy too — and your sex life isn't just about you chasing him or struggling to turn him on. Think about what you need and crave and ask for it. Regardless of his condition, you deserve to feel good too.
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