The Best Things to Say before, during, and after Sex

It doesn’t matter if you’re having a romantic dinner for two or getting busy between the sheets—regardless of the situation, women love to talk to you.
That’s because for women, verbal communication is key to emotional intimacy, says relationship psychologist Terri Orbuch, Ph.D., a research scientist at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research and author of Finding Love Again.

And intimacy is, in turn, a common prerequisite for getting it on. “In general, men tend to get an emotional connection through sex, but women need to get an emotional connection to want sex,” Orbuch says.

Adds Ian Kerner, Ph.D., author of She Comes First, “Words can be a powerful aphrodisiac and often aren’t used enough.” (On the flip side, sometimes it’s best to keep your mouth shut.

What you tell your bed buddy has the power to crank up her arousal, confidence, and make sex even more amazing for the both of you. But before we get into specifics, here are a couple general pointers:

1. Be genuine: You’ve got to mean what you say—and not just because that’s the gentlemanly thing to do. Your body language always tells the truth, and if it isn’t in-sync with your words, she’s going to call your bluff, says Orbuch.


2. Be specific: It makes you sound more thoughtful, and shows her you’ve noticed something special in her, Orbuch says. It’s the difference between “You look beautiful” and “Your eyes are beautiful.” 

3. Get to the point: You don’t have to be a chatterbox to talk your partner off, says Rachel Needle, Psy.D., a psychologist with the Center for Marital and Sexual Health of South Florida. Keep things short and sweet. No rambling.

Now that we got that out of the way, here are some one-liners you should spout off during your next romp:

BEFORE SEX
“Your hair looks great that way.”
While any physical compliment can make her feel attractive, focusing on something you know she’s put a lot of effort into tells her you’re paying attention and that you appreciate her efforts, says sex therapist Eric Marlowe Garrison, author of Mastering Multiple Position Sex.

“I love how passionately you kiss.”
It’s important for women to know you like kissing them—and not just, you knoq, boinking—says Garrison. When you compliment her kisses, focus exactly what you like about them, he says. Just steer clear of “you’re a good kisser”: It can unwittingly make her think of the other lips you’ve encountered.

“I feel so good when I’m with you.”
You don’t have to talk dirty to turn her on,” says Ava Cadell, Ph.D., a Los Angeles-based sexologist. “Letting her know that she makes a difference in your life makes her feel significant, special, and sensual,” she says. “This is an intimate form of expression that women long for and when they get it, they want to reciprocate with more sex.”

“I can’t wait to be inside you.”
While you probably shouldn’t whip this one out on the third date, it’s great for foreplay—in person or via text—between established partners. “These words are more detailed than they let off. They convey that you’re fantasizing about the sensations, the heat, the moisture . . . exactly what it feels like inside of her,” Needle says.